Recent reflectionsI am listening to the alarm bells and making my way out of the dark hole Since my breakdown ten years ago, I’ve been almost obsessively focused on protecting my mental health and drawing and enforcing strong and safe boundaries, being vigilant around the triggers that push me to feeling too stressed, and looking after myself. This has slipped recently but I have caught it - hopefully just in time. Before talking about the steps I’ve taken to arrest this slide, I want to talk a little about what was happening and how it felt. Life is busy - just as it is for many people. My wife works full-time, in a senior job with long hours and lots of responsibility. I work between 25-35 hours a week, depending on how many clients I see - I try to see 25-30 a week, ideally nearer to 25, but it’s not an exact science and sometimes clients ask to be seen when in some distress/at a time of high stress and I do everything I can to accommodate them. As well as as the client sessions, there are several hours a week of admin and follow-up a week, including in the schools I work, which could involve speaking to teachers, heads of year, the SEN team, assistant head teachers and/or parents. At home, we agreed some time ago that I would do the cooking and, in effect, take care of things at home (although my wife is amazing and does loads of cleaning and other house stuff at the weekends). I also do most of the school runs and help my daughter with her homework and get the uniform, school bag etc sorted for each day. I also have to acknowledge - and this has been an issue for years for me - that I take on too much responsibility for stuff (for things that nobody expects me to do) and have an obsession (that is not too strong a word) for being the best possible husband and dad. Often that means trying to achieve impossible levels of reliability, dependability and love and attention for my wife and daughter. It doesn’t take a genius (or a therapist) to work out what experiences in my life have led me to that place. I’m also very slow to ask for help, seeing it as my responsibility to handle stuff. It all adds up to being over-stretched. Close to overwhelmed. My emotions are just below the surface (which can come out as snappiness, irritability and/or getting tearful over a song or a piece of TV or radio). These were all happening over recent weeks, as were poor sleep; vivid dreams; anxiety feeling in my chest; an inability to focus for long periods (when not in client sessions - in sessions, I never have a problem); more than normal levels of sweating; the old favourite of rashes or itchiness returning to my legs and feet; and, more frequent feelings of low mood and low energy. The last few weeks - closer to two/three months - have been a drip, drip of deteriorating mental health and lower levels of contentment. I have thought a lot about the meaning and purpose of life and questioned myself as to whether I am doing enough (a sure sign for me that I am struggling with the balance in my life). I am trying to do too much - in work and outside work - and trying to do it all too well to be achievable. As a result I feel like I am not doing any of it well enough. This - surprise, surprise - leads me to feel bad about myself and my mood dropping further and I welcome back my old friend: a prolonged depressive episode. I have been really struggling. I have felt really tired. I have felt really sad. I have felt really alone (and other sure sign things are sliding because I have amazing love and support around me). I felt really low. The time on my own that I recent took in my local favourite coffee shop (see piece below on journaling) helped hugely. It provided me with a pause button and a reflection point and prompted me to reach out to my wife and tell her how bad I was feeling. This wasn’t close to how I felt when I had my breakdown in 2015, but some of those same alarms bells - bells I missed 10 years ago - were starting to ring again. I knew, I needed to make some changes. I took an important decision about my work and patterns of work, which is part of a package of changes to put my health first. I communicated this decision directly to those clients affected and then posted the following message on social media: “I have made an important decision for me and my work, which I have communicated to clients today. From September, I will no longer be doing evening sessions. I currently do sessions every weekday night. As my daughter starts secondary school, I want to be around for her each evening to support her with her homework and be around as she goes to afterschool clubs, gets involved in other stuff at school outside school, and just to be fully present for her. I am also acknowledging that I have been over-stretching myself over recent months and trying to spin too many plates. This is having a negative impact on my mental health - it has been a pretty rough few months. I will be doing more daytime sessions - in person, online and by phone - and I have let my clients know who I normally see during the evenings. Although this is a right decision for me and my family, it also comes with some sadness and disappointment as I feel I am letting some clients down. But, I also know that I am doing the right thing and am working towards acceptance and making peace with it. Mostly, I am proud to be prioritising my family and my health - I learnt from bitter experience what happens when my health comes second to my work.” Alongside this important change, I also refocused my efforts on my mental health jam jar and my self-care. This has included blocking out time in my diary each day for lunch - it is far too easy when working for yourself to just keep going and not pause for breath. The guilt and sense of responsibility to help others and to squeeze one more clients in is very hard (for me) to resist and so I have to be really determined to manage my workload, take breaks, and put boundaries in place to prevent this from happening. When I am feeling out of balance with myself, I find it harder to manage these boundaries. I have refocussed on my journaling - more on this later in the newsletter when I look at resources I am sharing - and I have reconnected with watching documentaries that engage me (and help me escape); the Boston Red Sox (not entirely stress free in recent form!); playing more golf; more walking; more being outdoors; listening to more Radio 4 and, thankfully welcoming Test Match Special back over the summer. All of these changes - and some others aside - have helped to get back on track. As I write this, I know there is more to do and I don’t feel totally out of the woods. Today is actually proving to be a difficult day with tiredness and anxiety hanging around - and I haven’t yet been able to fully implement my no evenings rule (this doesn’t formally happen until September although I am trying to transition to this sooner on some days). But there is good progress. One of the positive things about being in a dark hole previously is that I know the warning signs, and I know the way out when it happens again. I am grateful for that, but I also know that I haven’t yet climbed fully up the ladder to find higher ground. As I type this now, I do feel like I’m on the way up and that feels good. But like everything that is worth doing, I take it a day at a time.
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