AMJ Counselling newsletter - #9

This is the ninth edition of my regular newsletter.

It has been a little while since the last edition: time in which I have been refocussing and reprioritising after my decision to end evening sessions and concentrate more on my work-life balance. Putting those changes into practice coincided with the school holidays (which have not yet finished for us), a busy (but very enjoyable) time for receiving visitors from Ireland, and for us visiting Ireland and taking some time off work. One of the results has been to limit the time I’ve had to put together this edition. But, here is it.

This edition reflects the context I have just set-out, focusing on holidays and how tricky they can be - especially for me - and reflections on the theme of change. These periods of change - including breaks from school and work; starting new schools/returning to school; ,my daughter (aged 11 and about to start secondary school) getting her first mobile phone; going through changes in your life and health (including through the menopause, which many clients discuss with me) - can be challenging and need us to reflect and develop helpful perspectives. In this edition I share my own reflections on change and some resources that look at specific changes many of us face.

I know there are loads of newsletters, bulletins and other great resources available on mental health, so I am really grateful to you for taking the time to read this one. I hope you find it interesting and helpful. I hope it provokes some reflection and offers food for thought.

If you would like to find out more about me and my work, you can read some of my background, hear about my practice, and watch videos and listen to podcasts on my website by clicking on amjcounselling.com

Thanks again for taking the time to read this edition, for subscribing, and for sharing this newsletter with others. If you have a friend or colleague you think would enjoy reading this newsletter, please pass it on. I would also welcome any feedback on the newsletter so I can improve it. Thanks a million.

Take care,
Ben

I am a very proud Irish citizen and a very proud scouser, being born in Liverpool Maternity Hospital (aka ‘Oxford Street’) in 1978 - just a few years after John Lennon was born in the same building (a claim to fame I share with a lot of scousers!).

I spent around 16 years living in London, Manchester and Newcastle as I was building my career. Although I was in Liverpool regularly - including as often as possible at Anfield - I didn’t imagine I would ever live back in the area and be in the city every week. I became conditioned by the belief that only London had the right jobs and opportunities for me and my family. My breakdown changed all that.

With the love and support of Dr J, we made the move from London and the south east to Merseyside nine years ago, just as I was beginning to emerge from my breakdown. The move ‘home’ has brought us so much happiness and quality of life as a family. For me, this includes just being in the city and around the city. My home city. That happiness includes savouring the beauty and majesty of our buildings. No building is more majestic than The Liver Building, which I photographed on this stunning day in early July.

Recent reflections

As readers of this newsletter and/or my blog and social media output will know, writing is a source of great joy and satisfaction for me. The fact that I have written this edition whilst off work on holiday should not therefore be seen as evidence of a failure of work-life balance or an inability to manage boundaries, but evidence that I know myself well: writing always makes me feel good and is something that helps me and my mental health. I have therefore been writing whilst away in Ireland - and I’ve really enjoyed doing it.

It is extra important for me to write during periods of change - the focus of this edition of my newsletter. This includes doubling-down on my journaling, writing notes, letters and cards to people I care about, and writing my blog, social media posts and in my various attempts to write a book(s).

When I am experiencing periods of change, which can be unsettling (including the loss of normal routines that I feel when the school holidays kick-in), I know that I need the things that provide me with certainty and stability. Writing is top of that list. In simple terms, I am control of my writing - I just need the will, my iPad or laptop, or a pen and notebook. With these things, I can reassert some certainty and control when facing change and uncertainty.

As I have written before - https://www.amjcounselling.com/amj-blog/going-on-holiday-is-my-worse-nightmare - holidays are not my favourite thing. In fact, they are much more of a source of stress and upset for me than a source of relaxation and battery-recharging. I have over the last three years - with the understanding and love of my wife and daughter - developed a model that works for me, and thankfully for them. That means returning to familiar places and routines when we are away. Same place. Same house or hotel. Sameness. Familiarity. Safety.

I am at the end of one such trip now and this has been the most present, content and relaxed I have been on holiday at any time in my life. For that I am grateful. That said, I am now ready - more than ready - to board the flight home and get back to my safest, happiest and more settled place: my home.

Emotionally, home for me is also writing and reflecting. Putting together this edition has proved hugely helpful for me in achieving some me-time, just me with my thoughts and my pen (digitally!). I hope you know what represents ‘home’ for you: physical, mental and emotional places that offer peace, solace, certainty, control and safety, especially in times of change and uncertainty.

Articles and other resources

If you follow me on social media (links below), you will see that I often share articles from the media that resonate with me and hopefully provide an opportunity for insights and reflection.

If you would like to follow me on any of these platforms you will see my posts and the material I share.

www.linkedin.com/in/benjaminjohnjones

https://www.instagram.com/benjaminjohnjones

https://bsky.app/profile/benjaminjohnjones.bsky.social

https://www.threads.net/@benjaminjohnjones

“The change of life”

The menopause is a topic that comes up a lot with my clients - not just clients who are experiencing it; thinking about it; anticipating it; dreading it; emerging from it; but those in a relationship with someone for whom the menopause is an increasing part of their life.

Like so many experiences that my female clients have, the menopause highlights over and over again the atrocious medical care that many women still receive and the amount of gaslighting, minimising and dismissing they experience when bringing their experiences to the attention of a doctor - shockingly even sometimes, a female doctor. I know that this is changing - but too slowly for many of my clients.

The change that the menopause represents - whether happening to you or someone you care about - is monumental and should therefore be a topic of which there is fantastic, clear, trusted and reliable information. It is not. That’s why, this excellent piece in The New York Times leapt out at me as a brilliant attempt to deal with some of the regular misconceptions and misinformation.

A perspective on change from The Champion Golfer of the Year

As readers may know, I am a golfer. I am also an avid watcher of golf. I am also a Birkdale resident and member of Royal Birkdale (the club hosting next year’s Open Championship - the most prestigious - and IMHO the greatest - golf tournament in the world). I am also pretty interested in psychology - you probably noticed that!

I was therefore really, really interested by Scottie Scheffler’s comments in the build-up to this year’s championship - a championship he won. I have included a summary of his comments and the full five or so minutes of his full comments below.

He was reflecting on his perspective on winning golf tournaments and were, in the full picture of his life, these occurrences (pretty regular occurrences for him as currently the best golfer on the planet) fit in his life. Answer: they are not very important to him.

He received a lot of criticism for these remarks, especially from former players and current commentators, who didn’t share his view on the big picture of life. But I loved them. Scottie’s comments showed me that he thought a lot about work-life balance and how to manage and keep in perspective the changes he experiences in his life. His philosophy appears to be that no matter how many wins I achieve; how much money I make; how many opportunities to do “cool” stuff I am offered, it will not change what is important to me: family, community, faith and living as a great father.

As much as I admire his golf and his conduct on the course, I am warming even more to his conduct off it. In my eyes, he was the champion golfer of the year in more ways than one.

https://www.bbc.com/sport/golf/articles/cvg6zgeypego

Podcast recommendation

In the spirit of drawing on familiar things in times of change, I have recently been revisiting a number of podcasts and podcast episodes (and the West Wing which remains my all-time favourite, most-loved TV). I have always been a re-watcher and re-listener of stuff, including films, TV, music and latterly podcast episodes. The predictability and certainty and knowing what is going to happen helps me - especially in periods of change. It allows me to access some control and safety in moments of uncertainty, in which the outcome is unknown.

I read that this is one of the reasons that great detective fiction is so popular, especially the classics from Agatha Christie and Arthur Conan Doyle: there is a neatness to the structure and the outcome. The crime happens. It is investigated. The mystery is solved and justice is served. Certainty. Safety. Order. Neatness.

One such podcast episode I have revisited recently is the Desert Island Discs episode with Jamie Dornan. His Irish-ness at a time of being in Ireland probably added to the appeal for me (his voice is reassuringly familiar for someone with so many loved-ones from the north of Ireland), but so too does the moving moments of reflection and the mix of humour and seriousness.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001vsl8?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Book recommendation - in a time of change, I reach for the classics

By the same token, my reading choices over the last few weeks have been to hit the classics and/or books I know and love.

As well as the classics pictured below, I also re-read The Outsider (L'Étranger) by Albert Camus - one of the greatest books in history - and the book I carry in my bag at all times (I have several copies!): Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

These books represent for me a sense of certainty: I know they are brilliant works which will get me thinking and provoke some reflection. They also will not disappoint.

There is one disclaimer here: I had not read Breakfast at Tiffany’s or The Cacher in the Rye (which I am still reading) before. They have been on my mental list of books for some time and so I feel a sense of achievement in ticking them off.

Featured blog post

Wed, Jul 30

My eleven-year old has her first phone: we’ve entered a minefield.

I didn’t receive the memo, handbook or manual when I became a parent.

You know, the one that tells you how to navigate each stage of your child’s development; how to keep them safe from threats and

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Booking a session or getting in touch to find out more about me and my work

I offer day time sessions face-to-face, online or by phone. Sessions run for around 50 minutes and cost £55. I offer discounted rates of £40 per session for students. I do not offer evening or weekend sessions.

I offer a free initial consultation session to talk through my approach, answer any questions and help clients to consider if they think we can work well together before we get started.

To get in touch, please call, message or email me:

07779 796 815

benjones@amjcounselling.com

Please click on the links below to read editions
of the AMJ Counselling newsletter

Edition #1 - 10 November 2024

Edition #2 - 27 November 2024

Edition #3 - 1 January 2025

Edition #4 - 31 January 2025

Edition #5 - 12 March 2025

Edition #6 - 6 April 2025

Edition #7 - 20 May 2025

Edition #8 - 28 June 2025