The high profile events of the last few days have shone a vital light on the deeply uncomfortable experience that many teenagers and other young people have with men in positions of power and authority.
I’ve worked with teenagers and other young people for many years in my counselling practice and heard countless stories of boundaries being blurred and the young person being left to question the nature of their interactions and relationships with some adults. I’ve also heard stories that go way beyond blurred lines and take on a much more sinister feeling. These are not isolated situations. They are not exceptions. They are happening every day. In every part of these islands.
To hear stories of high profile celebrities in their 30s and beyond having sex with 16 and 17-year-olds, raises so many questions about abuse of power and exploitation. But these stories are not just about celebrities, but about so many men in a whole range of positions of authority and power. This can include teachers and sports coaches; managers and bosses at work; police officers and medical professionals; and many others besides.
These abuses of power can be about rape and sexual assault, but they can also be about other behaviours and interactions that might not reach a criminal threshold but can do huge damage to the young person’s sense of themselves and their understanding of healthy relationships.
I’ve written this blog to share some reflections on boundaries, grooming and on power imbalances, and on the risks of exploitation and abuse. I have supported many young people who have come to believe they were being groomed and/or felt uneasy about interactions they were having with a man in a position of power and authority. Their experiences have highlighted just how complicated, confusing and difficult these relationships can be to understand - and the toll they can take.
1. The power imbalance is always there
From the get-go, we need to recognise the inherent power imbalance that exists between adults and children, including older teenagers aged 16 and 17 and beyond. This imbalance becomes even more pronounced when an adult occupies a position of authority, status or influence – whether that's a teacher, a sports coach, a celebrity or a television personality.
A 16 or 17-year-old might feel mature, independent and perfectly capable of making their own decisions. I know from the dozens that I have worked with, that they often do - or can sometimes try to show they do because they want to be seen as older and mature. But they are also still children and deserve and require help, protection and support.
These older teens might believe that a relationship or connection with an adult is mutual, special or something they've actively chosen. But that doesn't remove the inherent power imbalance, nor does it transfer responsibility from the adult to the young person. The responsibility to ensure relationships between adults and children (and yes, I know the age of consent is 16, but a 16 or 17-year-old is still a child) is on the adult. Always on the adult. We are so often talking here about a relationship - including sexual relationships - between a man and a child. The man may be twice or more the age of the child. Being legally able to consent to certain activities - including to have sex - does not suddenly make a 16- or 17-year-old an equal to an adult in a relationship characterised by a significant imbalance of power.
There is a significant difference between a young person feeling that they are in an equal relationship and that relationship actually being equal. Age, experience, authority, reputation, status and influence all matter. A lot. An adult man’s ability to shape a young person's experiences, perceptions and understanding of a relationship should never be underestimated. These men have incredible power simply by their age and experience - and that’s before we factor in their status or the role they hold in society.
2. Grooming doesn't necessarily look or feel like grooming
One of the most important things we need to understand about grooming is that it doesn't necessarily look or feel like grooming to the young person experiencing it. It can feel like friendship, innocent affection, attention, admiration or even love. An adult man may make a teenager feel special, valued, understood or different from everyone else. They may offer opportunities, compliments, encouragement, gifts, or a level of attention that the young person finds exciting and rewarding. Sometimes the young person can be even more vulnerable to this attention if they don’t get it from other adults in their life, for a variety of reasons, including because their parents are not on the scene or perhaps because they are in the care system. Over time, these relationships can develop into emotional dependency, secrecy and manipulation.
A young person may actively seek out the relationship, defend the adult involved and struggle to understand why other people are concerned. They may genuinely believe that the relationship is mutual. They may even feel that they are the ones initiating or controlling it.
This is precisely why we cannot place the responsibility for recognising exploitation on the young person. They are very unlikely to see the wood for the trees and that is 100% not their fault.
We shouldn't expect teenagers to recognise manipulation, understand complex power dynamics, or know when somebody they admire, trust or feel connected with is taking advantage of them. Nor should we be too quick to dismiss their experiences because they appear confident, mature or willing participants. The disgusting rape myths we heard in the recent Russell Brand defence are mirrored in the myths I hear when people who should know better dismiss a children’s vulnerability because they are ‘mature’ or because they engage in sexual or other perceived adult activities. As if somehow this removes their right to be safeguarded. It does not. It never does.
The absence of an obvious objection from a young person does not mean that a relationship is appropriate or that exploitation isn't taking place. I heard it said today (as a defence) that “nobody complained” after the interaction an older man had with a much younger person. No shit. They were most likely intimidated by your power, authority and influence. The absence of a complaint is not evidence that a complaint isn’t justified. The absence of a complaint is often because of the power imbalance.
We also need to do more to help young people know what to do if they feel uncomfortable or confused by an interaction or a relationship with an adult. We need to let them know it’s ok to ask someone for advice and to tell someone what is happening if they are anxious about it. Education in this area needs to use direct language and be age-appropriate. By that I mean we need to talk the way young people talk and not try and use euphansisms and coded language to name stuff. We need children to know they will not be judged for anything they have done - and not be judged for fancying an adult or developing feelings for them. We need them to know that anything they feel or say will be heard and seen and not judged. They are not on trial - they are there to be supported.
Schools try their best - but my experience tells me they have a long way to go to provide the help and the environment that children need to keep them safe from blurred boundaries and predatory and grooming behaviour.
3. Boundaries matter. A lot.
Boundaries keep everyone safe. Setting out and managing professional boundaries, maintaining appropriate communication and being open and transparent in all interactions aren't bureaucratic obstacles or unnecessary restrictions that hamper good relationships - they are the essential ingredients in relationships between adults and teenagers. These boundaries exist to protect everyone: adults as well as children and other young people. These boundaries provide clarity, accountability and safety, including for those who are more vulnerable, whether due to their age, circumstances and/or any trauma or mental health issues they may have experienced. All children are vulnerable - but some are more vulnerable than others.
Any man who seeks blurred or non-existent boundaries with a teenager presents a significant risk. They are a walking red flag. A man who actively seeks to establish private, secretive or hidden interactions with a teenager, away from the knowledge or oversight of other responsible adults, should raise serious concerns. That’s a red flag. A very big red flag.
This behaviour doesn't automatically establish that grooming or abuse is taking place. However, it creates precisely the sort of environment in which exploitation can develop and go unnoticed. Private messaging, personal relationships outside professional settings (like schools, colleges, sporting clubs, dance studios etc), secrecy, preferential treatment and attempts to isolate a young person from their family or friends are all behaviours that deserve careful scrutiny.
Any adult who is acting appropriately should have little difficulty understanding the importance of transparency and accountability. They should welcome it as these healthy boundaries are not simply about protecting young people from adults, they also protect adults from misunderstandings, allegations and situations in which professional and personal relationships become blurred. In these situations, blurred lines are nobody’s friend. In these situations, clear boundaries are everybody’s friend. Blurred lines lead to uncertainty. Uncertainty can lead to risk. Risk can lead to damage.
4. The responsibility belongs to the adult - always.
This is the most important point I want to convey. The responsibility for maintaining appropriate boundaries always rests with the adult. 100% of the time. Always.
We cannot expect teenagers to navigate these relationships in the same way that adults should. We cannot expect them to understand the potential consequences of developing an emotional (or sexual) connection with somebody who has considerably more power, experience or influence.
Grooming is, by its very nature, manipulative. A young person may not recognise what's happening and may actively defend the adult involved. That doesn't make the situation any less concerning. We need to be particularly careful about language that places responsibility on the young person, questions their maturity or suggests that they should have known better. The onus is always - always - on the adult in these situations.
The question shouldn't be whether a teenager was mature enough to understand the relationship. It should be whether the adult was responsible enough to understand and manage the boundaries.
There is also a responsibility on any adult who sees blurred boundaries - or worse - to speak up and act. Bystanders are not welcome. Bystanders do not keep children safe.
5. We need to take safeguarding seriously
I don't believe every adult who develops a close relationship with a young person has inappropriate intentions. Nor should we automatically assume that every private conversation or interaction is evidence of grooming. I know this from my own work and from working with dozens and dozens of extraordinary professionals, including so many wonderful teachers, who manage these boundaries every day because they care deeply about helping and supporting the young people with whom they interact.
But we do need to recognise the power dynamics that exist and take seriously the responsibility adults have to maintain appropriate boundaries. This is particularly important for those who occupy positions of authority, status or influence - whether they are celebrities or not. The status and influence of celebrities in the world we live within brings up even greater opportunity for abuse and exploitation, given their power.
Teachers, coaches, performers, celebrities and television personalities often have access to young people and enjoy a level of admiration and trust that brings additional responsibilities. We need to get better at recognising inappropriate behaviour, challenging secrecy and ensuring that appropriate safeguards are always in place. We also need to listen to young people, take their experiences seriously and create environments in which they feel able to speak openly without fear of judgement or blame. We need to stop the bystander culture - not just with celebrities but in all settings. If something doesn’t feel right - it needs to be challenged.
Lady Justice Kathryn Thirlwall, who chaired the Thirlwall Inquiry into the events at the Countess of Chester Hospital and the failures surrounding Lucy Letby reflected on this powerfully recently in presenting her final report. She said: "There was also complete failure (at the hospital) at all levels to invoke safeguarding procedures at any point. No one seems to have thought that safeguarding action is required when a member of staff is suspected of causing deliberate harm. It isn't necessary to be sure; suspicion is enough."
Suspicion is enough. Suspicion should lead to action - not turning a blind eye. If we are aware of interactions taking place in private (e.g. outside normal school or work hours, away from the view of others, including in offices with doors closed), we should be raising our eyebrows and asking questions. Suspicion is enough.
Ultimately, safeguarding isn't about expecting young people to protect themselves from adults who may exploit them. It's about ensuring that adults behave responsibly and that systems exist to identify and challenge those who don't. That goes for all young people. They deserve our help. They deserve our support. They deserve to be safe.
Boundaries protect everyone. Safeguarding protects everyone. Openness protects everyone. Any man or woman who are uncomfortable with appropriate boundaries, transparency and accountability in their relationships with teenagers and other young should be asking themselves why. They should also be asked why by the rest of us.
If the last few days confirm anything it’s that the age of turning a blind eye must end. It must end now. It must end for good. The risks are too high. Lives are at stake. It matters too much. Our children deserve nothing less.
Further reading
Safeguarding and grooming
These resources highlight the importance of recognising power imbalances, manipulation, secrecy and the ways in which young people can become emotionally invested in relationships that are fundamentally exploitative.
NSPCC – Positions of trust and authority: Read the guidance
NSPCC – Grooming and recognising the signs: Read the guidance
CPS – Child Sexual Abuse: Guidelines on Prosecuting Cases: Read the full guidance
CPS – Child sexual abuse overview: Read the overview
Northern Ireland guidance
1. PPS – Policy for Prosecuting Sexual Offences – explains how sexual offences, including child sexual abuse and grooming, are approached by prosecutors in Northern Ireland.
2. PPS – Sexual Offences – an accessible overview of sexual offences and the prosecution process.
3. PSNI – Online Grooming – particularly useful on manipulation, trust, secrecy and warning signs.
4. PSNI – Child Sexual Exploitation – explains how young people can be manipulated into believing they are in loving and consensual relationships.
5. Sexual Offences (Northern Ireland) Order 2008 – the relevant legislation, including provisions concerning abuse of positions of trust.
These resources highlight the importance of recognising manipulation, secrecy, emotional dependency and the ways in which young people can become invested in relationships that are fundamentally exploitative.
